Outcast
by Drea Jackman
Summary: Alec spends some time thinking over how he can make amends after Max casts him out of her life. (Set after the events in Proof of Purchase)


Title: Outcast  
Written By: Drea Jackman  
Email: X5-117@GeneticallyEngineered.co.uk  
Website: Of Dreams & Reality - http://DreaJackman.cjb.net  
Rating: PG-13  
Summary: Alec spends some time thinking over how he can make amends after Max casts him  
out of her life. (Set after the events in Proof of Purchase)  
Disclaimer: All Dark Angel characters belong to James Cameron and Charles Eglee (Cameron  
Eglee Productions) and Dark Angel itself belongs to FOX...it's just not fair is it? *Sob*  
Archive: If I've said yes before I'll say it again, otherwise email me 'n' lemme know.  
Feedback: Don't make me beg, please? ...D'OH!  
A/N: Okay this was written fairly quickly and in an every so slightly tainted, conscious  
state...i.e. Drea was out on Saturday night and couldn't sleep when she finally got home after  
3am. I've read over it since and I don't' know if I'm entirely happy with it so I might be adding  
more revisions when I decide how to say what's being said in a better way. 

Outcast

I can't even look at you right now.'  
  
The words seemed to be haunting Alec, but not as much as the look on her face. The image  
had burned itself into his mind and even there, hours later atop the Space Needle, he couldn't  
shake it. Eyes so hurt and conflicted until the final moment when she turned her back on him  
completely.  
  
It wasn't the first time Max'd been mad at him, but this time was different. Max wasn't really  
angry at him, even Alec knew that. She was mad at herself for not being able to let White's  
device do it's job, for being human enough to feel compelled to save his life rather than watch  
him die.  
  
The second he'd realised what it was Max had done for him, Alec's expression had changed. He  
was unable to hide how deeply shocked he was at not only what she was willing to do for him,  
but the fact that she'd given up so much in the process.  
  
How could he ever repay her? How could he even dare set foot back in her life after costing her,  
her relationship with Logan. Granted he supposed that wasn't entirely true. Despite how he  
many have sometimes appeared, Alec did know what love was even if he still didn't completely  
understand it. He saw the way Logan looked at her and a small part of him immediately  
compared it to how he looked at her when she wasn't aware.  
  
Max, 452, his assigned breeding partner and yet even while the male, arrogant streak in him had  
beamed at the pleasure he was to take in his orders, he'd still been apprehensive. Manticore  
wasn't a place for feelings of care or love and they'd managed to only leave confusion and loss  
in the wake of the true experience before. He'd lost Rachel to the soldier Manticore had made  
him to be. Now on the outside, even the man he was trying to figure out how to be had lost the  
only other person who'd ever been close to him.  
  
The city lights twinkled below, another Seattle brownout driven off, giving him something else to  
focus on. Shifting Alec leaned forward, drawing his knees up to his chest. His arms enfolded  
them in a supportive hold while his head rested on top of his knees. Subconsciously he craved  
the kind of emotional or physical support any friend or loved one would readily give, but he was  
Alec and he was alone.  
  
The lonely void let him focus questions he realised he'd never asked himself before. Why  
should he care? Why did the words spoken earlier that night still resound in his ears, drowning  
out the slight howl of the wind as it beat against his huddled frame? Why had he felt something  
tug apart deep, down inside as Max's eyes left his, turning her back on him in an act he'd  
expected since getting to know her? Surely someone who'd clearly been able to light up his life  
would have no place for a loser like him. Slowly, one by one, the answers surfaced in his ever  
conscious mind.  
  
Alec was human, revved up at the genetic level or not. When it came down to it he was still only  
a man and new to the world that placed such high regard on social prowess and stature. He  
couldn't expect anyone to understand him and see him for the man he was because when it  
came down to the last bare and exposed seed of truth, Alec didn't really know who that was  
himself.  
  
Max. The name always seemed to perk his attention when mentioned. Banter that he usually  
found himself readily enjoying had disappeared that night. She hated him, she must. Alec had  
cost her Logan of all things, how could she not?  
  
Back at Manticore she'd been written into his life through assignment, nothing more and nothing  
less. Within days of that he'd found himself drawn to her, allowing himself to be caught up in  
idle chatter about life on the outside. Heck, he'd even let her name him. Hearing her harsh  
words that night had stung. He may not have been able to always show it, but his relationship  
with Max really was the only worthwhile thing he had going in his life and it mattered alot to him.  
  
In all his life, Alec had never meant anything to anyone. He could've easily believed Rachel  
Berrisford had loved him, but again faced with truth, she hadn't known him at all, only the mask  
his mission provided. He'd never had friends and never been a friend so his relationship with  
Max, the woman that literally gave him the world, was the closest he had. As if her words  
weren't enough, actually being helpless; forced to watch as Max turned her back on him, hurt  
more than he could bear.  
  
Alec was hurt. More than that, he was angry. Angry at how he'd managed to hurt the one  
person to make a real difference in his life so far, angry that he'd been dumb enough to not as  
for her help in the first place now that he realised she really would've been there for him and  
angry that once again he'd messed everything up. Hurt that, even though he felt he deserved it,  
she wanted him out of her life. Alec felt empty; abandoned in a new world even colder than the  
one he'd grown up in.  
  
At least in Manticore it was what he'd been trained to be; what all of them had been trained to  
be. Outside there was the capability of emotion; feelings like love, hate, trust, comfort. All of  
them there and all of them new. It figured that even in a place so rich in it's capacity of people  
offering care and support, Alec would find himself cast out and undeserving of it all.  
  
Sitting there alone in a spot he didn't know Max found the same solace in, Alec sighed deeply.   
The weight of sheer guilt more than he could bear alone, but he had no choice. He had one  
person in the world he could've even thought about seeking council or advice from and he'd  
wrecked a major part of her life. In so doing, he realised now, he'd destroyed a major part of his  
own.  
  
Realisation began to dawn on him then. Alec needed Max in his life. Someone to understand  
who he was; what he was. He couldn't help but wonder if it was that need for an understanding  
or realisation of self that had driven his twin to the path he'd followed.   
  
Ben she'd called him, but to Alec he'd always be 493, perhaps the monster locked up inside of  
him just waiting for the right time to come out. Maybe on some level they were really alike after  
all. The craving to be understood or having something like them in their lives was evident in  
both. Perhaps if 493 had been with Max since the escape he'd have realised how to be a man  
outside of Manticore instead of reverting to the soldier they'd created in him.  
  
If that was true, how could Alec possibly survive out there alone? Strength and speed, all of that  
had no place in the equation. It was the man in him that needed the kind of human contact Max  
provided in his life. Being alone had allowed 493 to become a fully fledged killer, even if his  
conscience was still there. Tagging victims with his barcode had been a symbol of hatred for  
what he'd become, so he would kill it in his stead. Still, he'd been unable to stop because he  
didn't know how to do anything else or to make it stop.  
  
It was a prospect that terrified Alec more than anything else. That the monster he'd been  
created to be would inevitably take over and he'd lose control, hurting and killing the people he  
cared about. Not that there were many in the world. Max and Joshua were just about it, but  
again the images of both looking down on him played over in his mind. He had already hurt  
them, betrayed them to save his own sorry ass.   
  
It just hadn't occurred to him that Max, someone else, would've had his back if he'd only gone to  
her and asked her for help. Silently he berated his stupidity and wondered how he could make it  
up to her.  
  
After a few hours Alec finally stirred. As he stood up he stretched out his aching muscles and  
shivered as the cold wind whipped up around him. At least Alec felt like he knew what to do now.   
Things could be better between them, even if making amends would be a huge challenge for  
him. He'd pull it off, his new mission objective going into action as of that very moment.  
  
Space. Max need some space; time away from him and the argumentative banter they so often  
shared. Given time the blow he'd dealt may heal over enough for him to dare show his face  
again when the wound wasn't so raw. All Alec could hope for now was that giving Max the time  
and space she needed to process and deal with everything that had happened would be  
enough. He had nothing else to offering in apology but himself, as true and meager as the  
offering was to him at that moment.  
  
Quietly walking inside and making his way down off the Space Needle, Alec made his way out of  
Seattle hoping that when the day came to show his face and return to Max's life again, he'd be  
able to be enough.

The End


End file.
